I first started to self harm when I was about 14 years old. Cutting was the first thing I did. Fortunately for me, I’m a vain person. I didn’t want to scar my arms. Today I have one small line just below my elbow on my left arm. Cutting was also difficult to conceal. I got caught out. I lifted my arm to hold on when my dad drove round a corner once and he spotted it right away. He drove me straight back to my mums house and they both shouted at me while I sat in the car crying. They literally had no clue. They were obviously worried about me, but their approach was so so wrong.
I stopped. For a while. I had eyes on me so it was difficult. I moved onto other things soon after though. Pinging hairbands on my wrist so much that they stung, scratching my neck (still something I do subconsciously today when I get stressed) running my hand under the hot tap.
Then I met my boyfriend. I was (and still am!) very happy. But then the stress of final exams came. I don’t even remember the first time I did it. But it made me feel good. And I could conceal it better than any cut. I knew it was wrong but I literally couldn’t stop myself. It all came tumbling out of my mouth one day when talking to a friend. But now I have that same feeling all over again.
Unless you self harm you will never understand. You simply can’t. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but it is a form of release. Things can literally just drift away.
Today I have one small line just below my elbow on my left arm. I look at it all the time. It’s a constant battle for me not to self harm and today, I am winning.